Somethings are never easy to say

  • Why do trains play such an important role in my life?


    On another forum I wrote this to my friends ,

    Jim had some problems

    and it really made me stop and think. 


    I'm Really Glad Someone Could Help him Out.

    I am glad someone stepped up to help you ,that is in a position to help monetarily.

    I rarely start any new threads anymore but am starting this one so as not to high-jack the thread (you) Jim started.

    I am writing this in hopes that I can bring clarity to why I am the way I am.

    Jim, and all my friends
    I too had a similar situation in my marriage and as soon as I found out that it was drugs and adultery I had enough! I had already been through a long recovery process as had my wife when we started fresh after a long while apart in recovery.

    But this time it was time to set my feelings aside
    and trudge forward no matter 'WHAT' the hardships.

    It is never easy or we would never learn.

    At that time I was working 12 hour shifts 7 days straight 1 day off 6 days on then 2 days off. With a grueling swing shift of 1 year of nights 7 days off in between then 1 year of days 7am to 7pm . I thought I was doing great making everyone happy with great paychecks.

    So, I had just began my year of days first week in and I began to notice everything because my presence at home in the evenings had changed her routine, when I found out for sure that my suspicions were correct , by then my nerves were shot, I couldn't work, eat or sleep we had a blow out and I was devastated, my temper flared and I could have done anything in my power until I knew my daughter was safe and I did.

    You can look at me as you want to, but if you have never been here in a situation like this before than you can never truly know how it feels.

    I consider you fortunate to have been spared this devastation.
    I'm not afraid to tell anyone my darkest secrets or where my
    total faith lies now.
    Just ask me in a PM if you want to talk to me by phone this way you can really get to know me better before you pass judgement.
    If you would like, I'll explain what it feels like to have your heart ripped out twice !but I'd rather talk about how to heal from anything this world can punish you with.

    Sometimes we are blind when in love, but prayers can open our eyes so we can see the truth, 'The Light', and the truth is not always what one wants to see or hear.

    Some of you know that I raised my 5 year old daughter while my ex-wife gallivanted and the kicker is now my daughter lives with her mother and I don't see her very often.
    Jim, you are fortunate there are no children involved.

    The reason I suggested that you seek counseling is because alone it will be hard to resist the temptation of trying to help her if she returns again.

    I have been there on both sides of the coin, and no one can admit a problem until they are ready, and some use there problems over and over to manipulate others so it can be a revolving re-occurrence for her to jump one to another to continue her 'party' it really isn't a party but a sickness..

    Jim, I'll be praying for you and your wife for all the right reasons.

    I'm sorry to any of you I may have hurt because of my feelings of un-trust.
    This is really hard for me to say but because of Jim's thread, I began to see myself and re-evaluate my situation in a new light.

    I don't trust many people with my feelings anymore because of the severe emotional scars I have had since I was a child. I have a problem with letting people get close to me. Some of you know first hand that I have pushed away genuine friendships because of some unseen or un-real fear, I'm sorry for that .
    I recently apologized to someone on NSO in a PM for treating them harshly and explained my reasons, he understood and accepted my apology. But none the less if I didn't have problems I would not have treated him harshly.
    One of my problems is high anxiety compounded by a Bi-polar disorder that is being treated with prescribed meds.

    That is all I have to say about me hopefully this sheds light on why sometimes I act 'weird' for lack of a better word A-hole!

    I love it here even though some of you may think I don't or maybe you dislike me for one reason or another,
    that to is OK with me. I will still try to do better.

    I come here everyday sometimes up to 20 times a day to see how and what my friends are doing .
    Although lately I have rarely started any new threads I have still tried to participate in 'on your workbench' train car of the week and Loco of week or whenever. I try to stay inspired.

    What about trains !
    Trains are a huge part of my life, they have helped me through many problems
    in my life and they still help everyday. I buy when I can but never new always used, sell what I fix up at times to recoup money that I have poured into the hobby over time to keep busy being partially disabled for many years,
    now deemed disabled for life.
    I have tried many times going back to work despite my disabilities
    or taking on remodeling jobs ect... but it is just so hard on me that I
    just can't do it for anyone anymore because it takes me too long.
    So back to my trains I go each time I try to fix what I can
    and realize what I can't fix. It is the same in life .
    Be ever so humble there is no place like your own train room .

    The Serenity Prayer
    Heavenly Father, Please grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.
    I pray through our Messiah Your Holy Son

    I hope you all have an awesome day.


    This is what I just wrote on a forum I belong to and it goes for this site too. 

    Sometimes we may hurt peoples feelings without knowing we do it.

    Well I'm sorry if I have and forgive you if you have. That is what we are supposed to do.